Sometimes it’s best to calm down and think about your next move.
I promise this will be the last post on my feelings…well probably not. I promise this will be my last post on super personal feelings.
This week has been rough. But so has the last 4 weeks. I felt defeated most of the time. I was able to enjoy myself a couple of times only to return to life in my house…with my mom and my cat. Don’t get me wrong I love them both. When the new year started I was excited. I had and still have big ideas, dreams and goals for the new year. But as I sat to write everything out I realize that I was missing the one thing that could make it happen….MONEY. As I looked at my credit…my bank accounts and my bills I felt like I was drowning. I sulked….sulked some more, thought about what I could do to change it. BINGO as mentioned in the previous post I started eying things around my room. Make up that was unopened. Shoes never worn, shirts that don’t fit. Things with Brand new tags….why had I really let myself get to this point!? Why had I spent all this money in the first place!? I started to wonder as I took all these pictures of items.
It seems like a very taboo subject in my community. Seeking help for issues, solving them, and not just giving it to the lord and pushing it to the back burner. I grew up religious, but as I got older I lost that, and religion was something that I greatly valued as a part of human culture, and history. Because there are so many branches and stories, and ideals of religion to me the thought of religion is the same, the basis of it anyway. Which I still find very beautiful and enlightening. At some point my mind programmed itself to putting my foot to the ground to walk, talk, and solve issues I was going through. I thought there is nobody to give these burdens to if I actually solve them and there are no burdens. I was at a point where I didn’t really know what i believed in. In my family we were taught to push so much under the rug, and give it to god. But somewhere along that line my grandfather who can recite the entire bible, and quotes other religious books off the top of his head gave me a solid piece of advice. That prayer and meditation could be key, but that I should always focus on getting to the root of the problem, addressing it face on. So for me someone who was spending money like crazy because I had it only too look up a year or two later and literally be broke I took the reigns on my life.
My mom and I had a rough relationship growing up. I’ll just leave it at we didn’t communicate very well, we were oil and water. I promise I wasn’t a spoiled brat who just didn’t listen. My mom who I love and can’t be replaced for did something that I couldn’t forgive for years. I believe that’s when I started eating out of anger, spending money on things that I thought would make me feel better, and number 1 stressing. That went on up until late last year. My mom and I started going to see a counselor solely to make sure my foster sister had a healthy environment to live in. As we went every week she started discovering that maybe mom and I had unfinished issues to resolve before we could let someone else in emotional and boy did we. Within the first 3 months we had gotten out years and years of stress, anger, and regret. I started to notice my blood pressure come down…as we went on we got really deep I’m talking Childhood 12 years old, sandbox deep my shopping habits started to dwindle. I started to look at what i had, and think about the things I needed. What good was it to have things but can’t afford to wear them anywhere!? Why have a Gucci Bag if the Debit card it held was in the negative!? What good was it to have the bag and everybody think it was fake anyway!? What could I really say about this bag to explain my current situation and why I still had it!? Some people would think I was being too hard on myself. But I wasn’t…I think I was right. After speaking to a neighbor who made her own side business part time and who ended up paying all of her bills she gave me great advice. Don’t buy it unless you really can afford it. Don’t buy a bag if you have some other debt, the bag will be there. She told me to make smarted choices that would pay off in the end. She was right…but I didn’t really listen until it was too late. Websites like LiveVest.com and Operation Hope opened my eyes to why it’s really important to be financially stable, and in control.
Today as I sit with bills, past due car note, and a plan for my business I have to give myself and my mom a lot of credit for doing this. I have to be thankful for the many nights of the pep talk with myself on paper for training myself to see my worth. My mom and Ie e both are better people, and you know what last month I faced my spending habits head on. I answered calls from the collectors, i made arrangements, I signed up for Mint.com, manila.com and Freecreditreport.com. I stopped eating less and out of frustration. Most importantly I put my money where my mouth was, and moved my pride aside to ask for help from the people who I’ve supported and been there for. I was always taught never to help and support people to say they owe me. But some of you bloggers who I’ve always supported really came through for me! Especially my BLMGIRLS.
So without going too deep into more personal feelings I really want to say thank you to those who read my blog, text me, IM’ed me words of encouragement, who donated to my business license, those who RT’ed my Ebay sells, and those who actually bid and paid for their items. Thanks to each and every one of you. Thanks to those who prayed for me as well. I felt overcome with so much emotion when the first donation came in…then anger when Paypal took a cut….but then I was emotional again once I realized someone donated. All of the donations have been sent to a Savings account that I don’t have much access too and once I receive enough for my business license and some other permits I’ll be sure you let you all know when I’m officially a business owner.
So the moral of me pouring out my secrets is that when things get tough it’s okay to be upset, it’s okay to be worried but know when to stop, know when it’s time to look your issues dead in it’s eyes and face them. Whether it’s issues with a parent, sibling, friend, work it out. You will be amazed at how your body changes, how your mind reacts and how you can use that other energy to better yourself as a person. We wouldn’t be where we are if life was perfect, and there were no hurdles. I’ve stopped looking at likes hurdles as some evil doing, because I know that it’s time time for me learn from my mistakes or learn how to deal with certain issues that are always going to pop up. It’s made me strong, it’s made me more aware. It’s made me and certain family members closer, so whether you’re religious or not you have to deal with rainstorms to get a rainbow as cheesy as that sounds. Sometimes it has nothing to do with the devil working overtime sometimes it’s needed period to help you, to test you, and to make you stronger.